Adoption 101

I’ve had several people ask about where we are out in the adoption process.  I get it…we just kind of throw this news out there are there isn’t much of an update.  The hard part of answering that is that so far, just about every time I’ve attempted to give an update on where we are at I end up basically explaining the adoption process itself.  So I figured I’d give an overview of what the process looks like.  I’ve also put some key adoption words in bold print, to help you understand some of those strange words us adoptive parents throw around without thinking.  For those whose hearts may be being stirred by the idea of adoption, for those who want to undergo the process someday, and for those who want to follow along with where we, or others are at, I hope this helps give an overview of the process.

1. Pick an agency/country

This was a super long process for us.  I pre-applied for several agencies, and researched them a lot.  The research, reviews and the type of communication I had with them informed our decision on which agency to choose.  Specialty matters here.  We knew we wanted international adoption.  There were other good agencies, but there specialty lied in different areas (domestic adoption).  Despite knowing which direction we were going, we also researched how the other branches of their agency functioned as well.

Knowing we were going international, and that adoption ethics was important to us, we did a lot of research on where the agencies stood on those issues, and asked very in depth questions about the countries we were considering.

I’m a pretty Type A person.  I function off information, structure, and quick responses.  This played a HUGE part in our decision making.  My theory when dealing with the pre-application responses was if they frustrate me before I give them my money, how are they going to be after?  There were several agencies whose websites were cumbersome, and difficult to navigate, whose turn around time on pre-applications took FOREVER, and when responses came weren’t handled very professionally or with much information.  That was an automatic veto.

The adoption agency we are with is America World Adoption Agency, and I cannot say enough wonderful rings about them!!!!  They are strong on adoption ethics, quick with responses, very informed, or quick to get you to someone who is informed.  We had been talking with our intake coordinate FOR OVER A YEAR before we were all synced up with Kyrgyzstan.  In between then we talked with family coordinators for Kyrgyzstan, China, Ukraine, Haiti, and India.  Each one of these people answered TONS of questions…especially the coordinators for Kyrgyzstan, China, and Ukraine.  There were literally hundreds of emails before our agency got one drop of our money.  While only about half of our adoption costs will be going to them (the other half is travel), it has been WELL EARNED, and we still have a ways to go.  I love these people, and this agency, and hope to be able to support them and their mission for years to come.

I feel like our country basically chose us, but you can read more about our country choice here.

From the time we pre-applied to agencies, to when we were matched with a country, accepted and officially headed down the adoption road, was over a year long process for us.

2. Start your homestudy

No matter if you are looking at international adoption, domestic, or foster care, everyone starts here.

There are a couple ways to get a homestudy done…either through the state, a private agency/lawyers, or through the agency you have already picked.  We chose to go through our agency because we had loved working with them so far, we wanted everything streamlined, and we trusted them to have some of the best people in the area working for them.

I adore our homestudy coordinator!!!  We have had the pleasure of meeting with her three times, and I look forward to each time (except that first one, I was nervous then!).  With most adoptions, you are required to do post-adoption placement reports, which is where your homestudy coordinator comes out at different periods (sometimes up to two years) to see how everyone is settling in.  I am THRILLED that she will be the one doing this for us.  She is an adoptive mom herself, and the wealth of knowledge and information she has already given us is invaluable.  I really see her as someone we can go to and ask questions, or help get insight from.  An incredible asset considering we really don’t know what we are in for.

The homestudy itself consists of several in home meetings, lots of paperwork, and training (usually 10 hours worth).  Your homestudy coordinator will walk through your house, ask several questions about home safety, and check smoke alarms and other such things.  I’m certain some are more anal than others.  You and your spouse will be interviewed as a couple and individually.  If you have children, there will be an interview with each of them individually.  There are some hard questions to think through.

The forms, are no joke.  I walked into adoption thinking I could fill forms out LIKE A BOSS, so that it would be a cake walk.  That was cute.

Turns out most of the forms aren’t a simple box check.  For each form, there are several forms to get to the real form.  There are phone calls, and websites.  There are trips to be fingerprinted (I think I’m up to three), lots of bloodwork and medical forms, all your financial business, monthly expenses, and basically every other area of your life documented and gone over with a fine tooth comb.  If you don’t have original birth certificates, updated passports, and certified marriage certificates, you’ll have to hunt those down as well.  This is why feeling comfortable with your agency and homestudy coordinator are so important…because there will be lots of questions and help needed.

When you have completed your homestudy, your coordinator will type a review with all your paperwork and months of work will be packaged into a neat little file, hopefully deeming you capable of adoption/foster care.

3. Work on your dossier

This is where international adoption takes it’s own route.  The way I’ve been explaining it, is that basically, the homestudy and USCIS (a major step in adoption you send off for after completing your homestudy, along with a few extra forms and a big chunk of money) are the state and countries way of saying you’re ok to adopt.  All the work you’re doing for it, is mostly staying state side.  The dossier, is what you are sending overseas to get your kid.  It is what will be reviewed by your adoptive countries officials to decide if they want to give you a child or not.

While you are working on your homestudy, there are some similar forms that are required for the dossier.  Both require you to have medical tests/forms done, so it makes sense to try to get them both taken care of at the same time.  Plus getting doctors to fill our forms on their letterhead, and notarized can be quite the challenge.  We have been chipping away at a few of our dossier docs.

The super fun (sarcasm) part of the dossier is that each document has to be notarized (with a notary that doesn’t expire for at least a year), and apostilled.  What is apostilled, you asked?  It’s what I have come to refer to as the dirty word of adoption.  See you work really hard, and spend lots of money to get all these precious documents, and then you are expected to just drop them in the mail (along with more money…of course) to send off to the secretary of state in the state the docs originated to be signed by them and returned.  This must be done for EVERY dossier document.  Then you need like 10 copies of each doc and the apostille.

When this is finally done, you send it off to be reviewed by your family coordinator, and then it gets shipped off to the country (with more money, we’ll be just under $20,000 at that point from our calculations).

The home study and dossier process (which is also called the paper chase) typically takes families 4-6 months.  This is currently where we are at.

4. Wait for your referral

From everything I hear, this is the hardest part.  This can take a painstakingly long time with some countries.  We are quite lucky that it seems like Kyrgyzstan is turning around referrals in about 2 months (always subject to change).

A referral, is basically your child.  You get a file on a child with information, pictures, health records, etc and you have the chance to accept your referral or deny it.  Reasons people sometimes deny their referrals is that the special needs are more severe than they think they can handle, or the child doesn’t match what they asked for (i.e. girl instead of boy, or outside of age range requested).  Contrary to popular belief you don’t get to be super specific in your requests.  The request we are submitting is a girl, 0-3, and that we are open to minor special needs.

While you can deny your referral, it will make the process longer, and isn’t looked upon well by most countries.  Most people only deny referrals for extreme reasons.

5. Make travel plans

Once you have your referral, you coordinate with your family coordinator for your agency, and the countries government to start planning your travel.  Each country is different in how they do travel.  Some countries you do a bonding trip, court trip, and get to bring your kid home all in one trip.  Sometimes countries require two.  We get to do three.

Our first trip will be a required 10 day bonding trip with our girl.  Each day we will go to the orphanage and spend several hours getting to know her, seeing her environment, and letting her get to know us.  Then we just leave.  I don’t like to talk about that.  Then about 4-6 weeks later, one of us will head back to be at court for about 5 minutes, and then leave again.  In another 4-6 weeks after our court date we get to book our trip to go get our girl.  This trip will be about 5-6 days as we have to go to Kazakhstan (another country) to finalize the adoption.  But when I get on that plane to come back home, my girl is coming with me.

Travel plans are no joke, as there are plane tickets, hotels and restaurants to figure out.  Drivers, interpreters, and all other kinds of fun things to nail down.  Toys to bring each day for your kids, toys and transition objects to leave behind. Plus you’ll want to get souvenirs and other items to have for your child as they grow.  And a bijillion pictures, because who knows the next time they’ll be going back to their birth country.  There is an overwhelming amount to think about for the travel portion.  I’m trying to put thinking about all of this off until that two month waiting period I’ll have, so as to not get overwhelmed.

6. Bring your child home

Obviously this is the culmination of years of work, and yet in many ways it seems like the work is just beginning.  Now the hard part of bonding, connecting, and parenting a child who in many senses is broken, begins.

There are post adoption reports, registering with the countries embassy, doctor visits, more than likely therapies that will be needed, and a slew of other hurdles to still jump over.  But the biggest one has been conquered, and you got your kiddo home.