The Toll that Busyness Took

Just over a year ago I had a physical and emotional breakdown.

The weight of my schedule and output had finally caught up to me.  The girl who never gets sick was sick for three weeks straight, and went through more rounds of antibiotics and steroids than I usually go through in a couple years.  There was crying, depression, and having to wrestle with what our fast paced-do it all life had cost us.

Due to this and a few other factors and scenarios, I dropped everything.

No room mom, bible study, ministry leadership, discipleship, small group, planning events and parties, PTA, team mom, nothing.

If I could say no, that was the answer.

And it felt good, and liberating…for awhile.

Almost a year in, I’m slowly adding things back into my schedule.  I’ve done some recovering, rediscovering, and healing.

I’ve also learned that a lot of that busyness…it was a cover up.  It was a form of medication that kept me from having to deal with parts of my reality I didn’t want to face, or would rather hide from.

One of the things I used busyness to cover was fear.

Without my packed schedule I’ve had to do some real searching in who I am, and what I want to spend my life doing.  Turns out some of the things I really want to do, terrify me.  It was easier to stay busy and distract myself from those callings.

One of them unfortunately, was being a great mom.  I was/am terrified of failing as a mom.  I want to be a fun, engaging, and loving mom.  I know I’m going to (am making) mistakes and that I’m not going to be perfect.  I want to apologize and ask for forgiveness a lot.  I want to love my kids lavishly and for that love to be a reminder to them of Christ’s love.

I was so scared of messing all of that up, that it became easier to stay busy and distracted from engaging my kids like I knew I should.  It was easier to show up with cupcakes in hand, and plan a great party for their class than it was to actually play with them in the floor, snuggle with them and just sit and talk.

I also used busyness to run from this website.  I knew I should be writing.  Knew it was an outlet, gave me joy, and knew I was supposed to be putting myself out there.  That putting it out there part…pretty dang scary.  Because people are mean.  And make mean comments.  Maybe worse than mean comments…nothing.  What if I put myself and my work out there and get nothing in response?  What if my desire to help others is useless and no one wants my recipes, thoughts, or ideas?  I stayed busy with things that were good, and fine, but not what I was supposed to be doing.

My fear of failing at what I really wanted to be doing almost kept me from doing it.

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Moving out of country for a year, then back, and then across country a few more times tends to reduce the number of relationships you have.  Long distance relationships are hard.  It’s also pretty hard to put down roots when you know at any point they may get pulled up.  I’ve lived in GA for 6 years now and I still keep waiting for the phone call that changes that.  Sometimes waiting in dread because at that moment it does feel like home, and others in expectation because one gets a bit wanderlust after all those moves.

I’m a midwest girl who doesn’t do bs, knows sweet and smokey is the only kind of BBQ sauce, and thinks a cheese plate has a place at every gathering.  A Ukrainian who thinks relationships are more important than a schedule, tea is a staple, and can live without a dryer.  A north easterner who loves her Whole Foods, recycling, and bagels.  A southern belle who loves front porches, sweet tea, and fried green tomatoes.  With having bits of my identity in so many places, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.  Instead of being aware of my desire for deeper community and pursuing it in the right areas…

I used busyness to distract me from my loneliness.

Not having somewhere to always be, or something to constantly be doing has given me more time to pick up a phone, or meet up with a friend, which I love!  The problem is…it turns out I don’t have as many people to do that with as I’d like.  Between my busyness, others busyness, and using social media to give me a false sense of community, I’ve missed out on the real deal.

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As I think through what busyness took from me and what I got from it, I keep coming backing to one core thought:

Busyness stole my joy.

I missed out on richer relationships when I kept myself busy.  My husband and I were not as close.  I didn’t know my kids as well.  I had few real friends, and the ones I had, I didn’t have time to develop the kind of relationship I wanted.  I didn’t have time to do what I love and enjoy.  It kept me from a closer relationship with my Creator and wrapped me up in the idea of doing things for Him instead of just being with Him.  Not to mention I was stressed and unhappy most of the time.  Ironically, I thought my busyness was helping me to gain something.

Now don’t get me wrong, life isn’t exactly slow these days.  I have to keep three kids clothed and fed (and the cleanup involved in the aftermath), and that alone keeps me busy.  There are practices, games, parties and events. I have the every day’s and the once in awhiles.  The must do’s for moms sanity (time with Jesus, healthy food, slow eating, running) and the have to’s (home repairs/maintenance, appointments, phone calls, forms, etc).  There is plenty to fill my schedule that’s not optional.  This is why I think long and hard before I agree to something these days.  My yes is reserved for the most important things in my life; God, my family, my friends, and me.  As we start a new school year, I would encourage you to assess your schedule, and ask yourself a few questions:

1. Are you using busyness as a cover?  (not dealing with fear, insecurity, loneliness…is business giving you a sense of purpose and being needed?)

2. Are you saying “yes” to the the things you want to say yes to, in the way those things need you to say yes?  (i.e. I thought I was saying yes to my kids when I was room mom, but the time I spent doing that kept me from spending quality time with my kids…which was what they wanted more than having their mom be room mom).

3. Does your schedule bring you JOY, or distract from it?

It’s not too late to remove your name from a list, turn down that opportunity, or not join.

Or maybe (like me) you’re praying through the best place to sign up, and leading that bible study (or being room mom/employee of the month/really good friend, etc).

My hope for all of us as we start the school year is that at the end of it we would be happy with the decisions we made…not wrapping it up with any sort of breakdown.

Here’s to a sane, joy-filled, non-busy (or at least, less busy) year!