Oh, hey blank empty space.
It’s been like three weeks since I’ve been round here.
I miss writing, and the processing that comes when I write. I’m actually missing a lot of things right now. Like creating, and reading…feeling like I have control over my life.
I feel really overwhelmed right now.
As we’ve worked crazy hard and finished our adoption paperwork in record time, it’s hard to look up and have nothing left to DO to get to our girl other than sitting and waiting.
I suck at patience and waiting.
Plus, parenting and life feels really hard right now.
. . . .
Before we decided to adopt, I had started to get a taste of following my desires and passions. I was writing, and not sucking at it. I was hosting a bible study in my home, and intentionally pouring into other women. I was creating…clothes, crafts, etc. I was hanging out with my husband more. All these things were beautiful and great.
And I felt like God asked me to lay it down.
I mean really, that’s how motherhood started for me. I wasn’t ever the girl that picked out wedding dresses in magazines, or planned how many kids I’d have. Marriage came out of the blue for me (and I’m so glad it did!), and motherhood happened faster than I could even begin to think about it. All the dreams and desires I had were laid aside for a new one that God put in my heart: getting this parenting things right.
So for 10 years I’ve been living that, and while it’s been hard, it’s been good. I’ve found moments to keep my passions and gifts alive in the midst of the craziness.
Then God asked me to lay it down again and adopt. I don’t know to what degree I’m setting aside my desires and abilities. In this moment it feels all encompassing. I don’t have time to create (the absence of my presence here can testify to that), I don’t have time to cook (another way I create, and cheap therapy), I don’t have time to meet with other women in the way I want. My life is kind of completely consumed with adoption. And as we travel and even bring home our girl, that won’t stop. My time will then be filled with trying to accomplish attachment through meeting her every need, and intentional play. It will be filled with doctor appointments and therapists. It won’t be about me, or what I want to do.
I feel like we are being bombarded with the message to follow your dreams and desires and passions, and while that is good, and a message that needs to be heard, we also need to make sure we are hearing the other side.
Sometimes God calls you to lay down your life.
As Christ followers, we are called to a life of sacrifice. and while there can be sacrifice involved when following your dreams and desires, sometimes the sacrifice IS to lay down your dreams and desires. As I read the bible and see the heroes of faith, I don’t see much glamour and super talented people just doing their thing. I see sacrifice and servanthood. I see obedience to calls they would probably rather ignore.
As we walk through the “Hall of Faith” in Hebrews 11, the very first person we see praised (Abel, v.4), we see was praised for his sacrifice. Noah built a boat for years and was mocked. Abraham left his people without knowing where he was going and offered up his son. Moses denied being of the house of Pharaoh and royalty and endured mistreatment with his people. He was also called to speak before and challenge Pharaoh, the very man that spared his life. If we think about the New Testament, we see tax collectors leaving their jobs (which paid very well), Paul fighting against and being enslaved by his former comrades, and Peter ultimately being crucified on an upside down cross as they pressed on after the life that Christ had called them to.
It wasn’t glamorous or pretty, I’m sure people didn’t look at them and praise them for using their gifts and talents. It was messy, and hard and heart wrenching. It was a life of faith, sacrifice and servanthood.
“Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:1-2
If I live a life that is about me and what I want, and making much of the abilities that I have, I’m missing the point of the gospel. We need to run OUR race, the one Christ set before us. It probably won’t look much like the other people around you, it’s probably going to be sweaty and hard, and sometimes won’t make much sense. But since we have such great people that we are following after, we can keep throwing off the weights that drag us down and keep running after Christ.
I got the Greek word for servant and messenger from the verse below tattooed on my wrist so I would remember my calling, because it’s hard.
I would love to be a writer. An event planner. A restauranteur. All of those things would be using the gifts that God has given me, and I have full confidence I could pursue those and on some level be successful. Maybe someday I will be able to.
For now, God has called me to something else. He’s called me to motherhood and adoption. He’s called me to loving well in the small and every day. He’s called me to pouring into other women, and discipleship any time I can. I get to use some of my gifts and talents in the midst of this, but if I’m honest they feel largely underutilized.
My husband goes to a job he doesn’t always love each day. He likes aspects of it, and gets to use some of his gifts, but by and large some of his strongest abilities aren’t being used. He is successful, and the Lord honors him as he works hard. He pours into other men as he can, and he gets to be a light in darkness. Plus we get to do crazy things like adopt, and give to several organizations and missionaries, as well as our church.
It’s not the life either of us dreamed of in college, but I have no doubt that it’s the one that God had planned for us. From the callings, and the timing, and the closed and open doors He has put in our path, I know this is where we are supposed to be.
I’m partially writing this for myself, as a reminder. As I process a lot of hard things in the here and now, I’m speaking the truth of scripture into my own heart as a reminder of the life I’m called to lead.
I’m also writing this, because maybe I’m not the only one who feels overwhelmed with the message of following my dreams and desires and passions when you are trying to just keep your head down and run your race. We are called to a life of sacrifice and servanthood as Christ followers. It’s messy and it’s hard. Maybe your sacrifice is standing on a stage, or maybe it’s standing in a kitchen with kids all around you. Maybe it’s being in a work place when all you want to be is at home with your kids, or maybe it’s being single or childless and figuring out a life other than the one you had hoped and dreamed for while you wait for the Lord to fulfill the desires of your heart.
I don’t know what your sacrifice is, but sometimes more important than our gifts and desires is obedience, and laying our lives down for the call that Christ has placed on us. I applaud your sacrifice and obedience, and so does Jesus. It’s messy, and it’s hard, and it’s beautiful. One day, may we be the type of “cloud of witnesses” talked about in Hebrews 12:1 that encourage those coming behind us to keep running their race.