I promised to be honest and open about the process of adoption as much I could be while I was going through it. While I have wanted to do just that, not only have we been crazy with actually adopting, but sometimes you feel all the feels so strongly you just need to keep your mouth shut for awhile and process. As we are transitioning to the next phase of adoption (of which I will update soon), I’ve had a bit to process some of my feelings and actually be able to form words and edit them.
Adoption is hard.
I knew that there would be parts of the process that would prove challenging, and hurdles to jump once we got our kiddo home, but I honestly have been surprised by how incredibly difficult and taxing the whole process is. Some people seem to be a bit confused over why adoption is hard, so I’m going to give some insight…for those who have asked how to pray for us, and for those are considering adoption and would rather enter with full awareness of what to expect, and for those in the midst of it, so you know that you aren’t the only one.
The process. In my sweet naive head I thought it would just be filling out paperwork. To which I was all like “I can fill out forms LIKE A BOSS, so no big deal.” Wrong. It’s so much more than just filling out forms. It’s writing essays, taking training, and fighting FOR A MONTH with the HR department to get one flipping form that your entire adoption process is on hold for. It’s getting pricked with needles and going to the same place four times. It’s getting fingerprinted approximately 37 times (put on lotion right before you’re fingerprinted, trust me), and going through your financial history and monthly budget with a fine tooth comb. It’s several two hour interviews and having a spotless house for three of them. It’s bothering friends and family to fill out forms and answer hard questions. It’s making 487 copies of all the things and trying to simultaneously keep it organized and yet accessible. It’s tough decisions, hard conversations and lots of inconvenient appointments. I thought the paper chasing process would be the easy process. IT WAS NOT.
The people. Usually during the paper chase is when you announce to everyone that you are paper pregnant. We’re adopting! Yay! Except, sometimes, not. Some people don’t understand, don’t have the bandwidth, or just aren’t interested in your adoption. For the most part this isn’t a big deal until it’s the people you thought would be there. That’s really, really, hard.
There are also a lot of people who don’t think before they speak, so you have to listen to lots of hard things, and just smile and nod. For some reason, others feel compelled to tell you all the stories of people they know, or know of who have adopted. Sometimes, this is really sweet and helpful, trying to connect you with other adopted parents or sympathizing with where you are. Others…I won’t say all the words that I think about this, but let’s suffice it to say telling someone who is adopting all the stories of how hard it was for your acquaintance, or how weird it was dealing with your friends adopted child, or all the other strange, hard, terrible things you’ve heard about adoption IS NOT HELPFUL. In fact, it’s kind of the equivalent of telling a pregnant person about how a friend miscarried, or how your aunts cousin had the worst delivery ever.
Most people have done their research before they adopt. They know what they are in for. Those that have not done their research, are basically required to by their agency, through training, required reading and lots of questions. You cannot be in process of adopting and be naive to the challenges and struggles that prospective adoptive parents (PAP’s) face. Some of us more OCD type people have spent a year and a half researching adoption before taking the leap. I can tell you just about every worst case scenario that may play out through adoption. I know what this could do to me, and my family. I know it has the potential to be one most life altering decisions we make as a couple. I also know that we have been called to this, and are trusting God that He has a plan for our family, our daughter, and way beyond the scope of our imagination for this process. So telling me horror stories, asking me if I know what I’m doing and “educating” me on your limited knowledge of adoption will have me nodding my head with clenched jaw trying to escape the conversation as quickly as possible so I don’t SAY ALL THE THINGS.
The spiritual attack. We are making a risky choice, not out of necessity, but out of obedience. Stepping out in faith will always put a target on your back for the enemy and we have sensed that in so many ways. During the first couple of months, it became comical how many things we got hit with financially and went wrong. Brand new tires blowing out on the freeway, very large car bills, our oven breaking, our printer breaking, and that’s just a few of the bigger things. We were sick for a month straight (no exaggeration) which brought an abnormal amount of medical bills our way. One of our kids is needing some additional testing that has brought even more large medical bills in. While at this point we can laugh at the more materialistic things that have gone wrong, for me there’s an area that’s been way harder to handle. As I have researched and learned what parenting our next child will require of me, while keeping up with my other three I feel completely overwhelmed and inadequate. Add to this some pretty challenging parenting situations that we’ve had to walk through the last few months and I daily find myself pleading with Jesus. “I can’t do this, I’m not enough, give me more of you.” Which is a good place to be, but I’m also fighting off major insecurity as a mom…and seeing as how being a mom is kind of my main job right now, this leaves me feeling like a failure, or feeling like I’m going to be a failure about 83% of the time. So fighting feelings of failure, inadequacy, financial challenges, health challenges, and feeling like there aren’t many people “for” us have been the main ways we’ve been feeling the attack.
My thoughts. The biggest challenge for me is my head. I know too much. I know that as I fill out paperwork and make appointments, the likelihood is that my daughter is crying herself to sleep with no one to pick her up or hold her. While I’m cooking my kids a meal, she more than likely spends most of her time hungry, and undernourished. She is strapped to a potty seat several times a day starting at 6 months old. She is dealing with great tragedy, either due to abandonment at birth, or due to living in a very difficult environment before being given up by her family. She doesn’t get cuddles, and eye contact and soothed. She lives in an almost constant state of fear. There could be worse things happening, that I try to block out. And I walk around with this in my head all the time. While I am fighting to get her as quickly as I can, she is being wounded in ways that I will spend the rest of her life trying to mend. How do you walk around like a normal person knowing one of your children needs your help and you can’t get to them? Each night I tuck my children in and then check on them after they are asleep. I kiss their heads, and I know that my daughter has no one doing that for her. Each night my heart aches to put two giggly girls safe in their rooms and kiss their heads. Even once I’m able to do that, I’m afraid that I will have seen too much. One of my biggest fears since we started this process was actually leaving the country with my girl. I will spend 10 days with her in her orphanage. I will spend 10 days learning her friends and all the children in the group she is with. I’ll visit them when I go back to court, and I’ll spend a few more days with them before we leave to come home. And while me and my girl get to walk out of that orphanage, I will also be looking over my shoulder at all the children that are still there.
I can’t even explain how my heart is being ripped apart for orphans, and those abandoned by parents. Those in need of love and people to come take them home. In my daughters country, in my backyard, in Africa, Haiti, China, India, and everywhere! Along with this has developed a heart for orphan and foster care support groups. I’m still processing all my thoughts and feelings on this, but suffice it to say, I think it’s a big deal. We are called to care for orphans and those in need, kind of a lot in the bible. Jesus cares about them, and caring for the least of these is a command. How can we expect people to step out and care for orphans if we aren’t going to support them? It’s a really hard process, before, during and after. These families need people to listen, and encourage, and pray for them. They need meals, and date nights (sometimes this means being court approved), errands run, and kids dropped off at practice. Maybe you haven’t been called to adopt or foster, but I promise you’ve been called to care for the least of these, so how are you doing that? I feel pretty strongly that sending money once a month is a great step, but not a sufficient one for us to check the box of caring for the least of these off. The church as a whole needs to be supporting those stepping out in obedience in doing this.
So adoption is hard. The first two months were the hardest, but once you accept the way things are going to be and figure out a way to proceed in spite of it, it gets a little easier. And you start to see the good… or maybe God just opens your eyes to the good.
Adoption is hard AND good.
Of course Jesus doesn’t give us hard things without having good in them too, and it’s been so sweet to see that play out in adoption.
The process. So the process is hard. It’s also produced some really intentional and deep conversation between my husband and I that has been great. All the extra fingerprinting and appointments gave us more meet-ups, sometimes without kids. When everything felt like it was falling apart it was so, so reassuring to have my best friend walking through it all with me and fighting the same fight. Also, I have never been so grateful for my husbands meticulous record keeping. The kids have had to be a part of the process as well. They understand how hard we are working, and they have had to sacrifice as well. They haven’t done this with resentment, but as servants knowing they are working to get their sister too. In this I already see the ways they are being prepared to serve her once she is home.
Our agency, and our home study coordinator, are so great. They have answered approximately 1,876,293 questions, and not batted an eye as they have done so. Our HS coordinator and family coordinator are both adoptive parents. They have had so many helpful ideas and suggestions, but more than anything I’m so grateful for their compassion from having walked this road before.
The people. During the first month while I felt like I was falling down a black hole, I kept praying that God would give me people, and that I would find community in the midst of this crazy, isolating process. I *happened* upon (seriously, I still don’t even recall how I found it) a Facebook group for PAP’s (prospective adoptive parents) from Kyrgyzstan, and for those who have already adopted from the country. I’m not a Facebook person, but now I’m on everyday, checking in with long distance friends who got their referral, or are visiting Kyrgz. I’ve gotten to see pictures of where my baby girl is living, and talk to people who have walked the process start to finish. When I don’t know how to phrase things just “so” on our home study, they are a sounding board of experience. We have had 2 hour long conference calls dialoguing through the challenges that adopting through Kyrgz presents. I am so, so grateful for that group!!!
One of my good friends adopted domestically, my husbands best friend and his wife internationally, and a couple of college friends have adopted, and I’ve been able to pick all of their brains about the process, the highs/lows and what to expect. I’ve also been cheered on by them. People that don’t BS with you, and get where you’re at are so wonderful!
While we haven’t raised a ton of support…outside of an Instagram sale we did, all of our support has come from 8 couples/people. And these people…I want to cry when I talk about them. I seriously don’t have words. We have been inspired and challenged by their generosity, and the way they live out their faith.
I’ve also been able to connect with someone who practically lives in my backyard. How did we connect? She *just happened* to be searching hashtags for adoption on Instagram and found my site. Which she followed, then realized through pictures that we *just happened* live in the same area, and that our kids go to school together, and that we are both adopting, and we are pretty much in the same phase of adoption. What?! Jesus.
Then I’ve got my girls, one of which I talk to almost every morning. She asks about the adoption, listens, and prays for my girl every night with her daughter. The other I have a never ending text stream with. She lets me cuss about the crappy things and then reminds me Jesus has got my girl. She’s designed cards, labels, and a slew of other things trying to help me bring her home. They live several hundred miles away, but I don’t know where I’d be without them!
Jesus is answering my prayers! I’m finding community in the crazy!
The spiritual attack. It just reminds you how much you need Jesus. And how we can’t do it without Him, so we might as well trust and believe in Him more than we already do. And faith is a gift in of itself. So even if it’s been a crappy way to get there, I’m glad we’ve gotten here, and had our faith increased.
It’s hard, but it’s good. I’m willing to bet that may be my phrase for adoption, and one that will apply even when we get our girl home.
So ecnouragement, if you’re in the journey…there is good, you just have to see past the hard. If you’re thinking about adoption, hopefully you won’t be surprised by the hard, but more in awe of the good. It’s so worth it. If you know someone that is adopting or fostering, maybe you can go out of your way to show that you are for them. It can be a really lonely place, and I can promise you they will appreciate any support you give them!
Loving well, no matter how hard it is, is always worth it!
Amen! Loving well is always worth it! Love you!