Being Enough and the Snare of Perfectionism.

“I just want to be enough for you.”  My heart poured itself out quicker than my mind was ready to.  I was trying to explain myself, and clearly my heart was ready to do the talking.

I haven’t been able to let that statement go since I uttered it.  My heart revealed a lot in those 8 words.

I think for me, and I would argue all women, that is one of our deepest longings…to be enough.

To be enough for someone.  Our spouse, our kids, our friends, our church, our community.  In any relationship, we want to be enough.

So often this desire gets skewed.  We feel like we aren’t enough just as we are, or someone tells us we aren’t, so we seek to make ourselves enough through other means.

The right outfit, the name brand bag, the great job, perfectly done make-up, more money, having a spotless home and dinner on the table, adorable shoes, a quick and well studied mind, a meticulously decorated house, the Pinterest perfect party…having every thing be perfect, put together and with it at all times.

In our pursuit of being enough, perfectionism often becomes the goal.  Because if you’re perfect, who wouldn’t think you’re enough?

The problem is, none of us our perfect (Romans 3:10).  Not even close.  I am such a hot mess that it’s comical, and yet so often I pursue coming across as put together.

My heart breaks as I see this issue in our church.  I honestly think it’s one of the biggest struggles of the modern day church.  More often than not, church is place to walk in put together and seeming “with it” instead of a sanctuary for the broken, beat-up, down trodden, hot messes we are.  If anyone should embrace the mess that we are, it’s those who have confessed their need for a savior!  Our glossy veneer pushes away those seeking.

I’ve been wearing a lot less make-up for the last year.  Partly because I have a daughter  who watches my every move and the thoughts and expectations she was making about make-up and her beauty weren’t ones I was comfortable with.  I want her to know I think I’m beautiful with or without make-up on.  I also realized that for me, make-up was another layer of perfection I put on.

I’m tired of my exterior often reflecting something that isn’t true of my heart.  I like make-up, and I like fun clothes, but I don’t want those things to be what you see more than you see light, accessibility, messiness and realness.  If you see me during the week, chances are I won’t have make-up on, and I’ll be running around in jeans and a t-shirt.  I’m tired of trying to be all put together when I’m not,  and I’m tired of putting the expectation on myself to be.

I want to be enough.  Just me.  The real me.  Not what I do, or what I look like,  The one in comfy clothes with no make-up, the one who has real conversation about real things.  The one whose insecurities have more control than she would like to admit, the one who is tired of fakeness and pretense, and wants more authentic, honest relationship.  The one who just wants more Jesus.

I’m headed to a women’s gathering this weekend.  While I’m really excited, I’m also a bit anxious.  There will be people in that room that make me feel like I’m not enough.  Some I’ll know, some I won’t.  Maybe it’s things they’ve said, just a vibe I get, or how they seem so freaking perfect all the time.  Either way, before I walk into those doors, I’m fighting back anxiousness and a desire to seek perfection…with the way I look, with how I carry myself, with what I say.  I bought new shoes for the thing, for crying out loud…talk about insecurity!  (I really did need new shoes, though).  The irony is, if I give into the anxiousness and put on my layers of perfectionism (whatever they be), I also isolate the very thing I’m seeking…real, authentic relationships with more of Jesus.

I want to be enough.  I want to be enough for my husband, for my kids, and for my friends.  Goodness knows I tried perfectionism to achieve this goal for a long time and it didn’t get me anywhere.  I threw it to the side and tried realness and authenticity instead, and it has been so freeing!  Only in Christ am I enough.

If you happen to be going to this same conference, would you throw off perfectionism with me?  Can we give the anxiety of not being enough over to God, and let Him remind us that in Him alone, are we enough?  That He has imputed his righteousness to us, and He alone is perfect (Romans 3:22-23, 2 Cor. 5:21)?  Ask Jesus to rebuke the enemy for the ways He is trying to distract and ensnare our hearts, and confess our sinful desire for perfection and comparison (ironically the same issues Satan had) to Jesus. (Epeshians 6:12-20)  Be repentant and expectant, and come just as you are.