I’ll Be There For You

I’ve likened making friends as an adult to dating.

As you pursue relationships, you start to realize there are certain types of guys.  There’s the guy who is just SO pretty, the guy who seems to know everyone, the one who is the life of the party, the one who always makes you laugh, the one who is just so dang NICE.  Some of these qualities are great, and important, but there’s a whole other set of qualifications for the one you want to live life with.

When you are interested in a guy, you borderline stalk him, trying to make sure he’s worth the effort.  Is he a good guy? What’s he into?  Would we be compatible? Once you realize he might be worth the effort, there’s the awkward phase of trying to figure out if he’s interested too.  Do you wait for for him to pursue you?  How do you show you’re interested?  Do I wait for him to ask me out?  Then there is the first date bumbling and fumbling, and then trying to really get to know the person over the coming weeks and months.

It’s tough work trying to find the guy you want to settle in with.  And it’s tough work finding really good legit friends too.  Sometimes it feels like finding a needle in a haystack.

As a 30-something mom, I don’t need someone just to show up to an event with, or someone who is the life of the party.  I don’t need another invite, or someone who helps me feel cool, or someone to fill a void in my Friday night.  I need the kind of friends to settle in with.  The ones I can sip coffee with in my pjs. The ones who don’t judge my messy house (better yet, the ones who I don’t mind letting in my messy house!).  The ones who I can tell about when I don’t like my kids or my husband. The ones that can handle the ugly cry.  The ones that know how to show up, and the ones that have depth.  The ones who encourage me, and occasionally even love me well enough to lovingly call me on my crap.

As I’ve been trying to build a community of these type of relationships, I’ve been thinking a lot about how Jesus did relationships and reading up on it.  I’ve learned some pretty great stuff, that has really helped me.  I love it when the things I’ve been convicted about and feel strongly about are reflected in the scriptures.  I think it’s great how all the worldly scholars can agree on a healthy way of approaching relationships that has totally been in the bible for thousands of years.

Sure Jesus preached to thousands on a regular basis, and even occasionally had longer talks with individuals.  For the most part though, there was the 12.  And of the 12, there was the 3. And of the 3 there was the 1.

Clearly (being Jesus), I think He was on to something.  I like that we don’t see Jesus being BFF’s with everyone in the crowd.  Sure He might dine with you, or heal your daughter, but then He was moving on with His crew.  Jesus had boundaries.  He didn’t give everything He had to everyone.  He didn’t make Himself completely known to all.  Those who were in the 12 had leveraged something for this relationship.  They had left family, and jobs to pursue this relationship.  And while I don’t think we need to forsake families or jobs for our friendships, I do think relationships cost us something.  Time, energy, financial resources, etc.  Relationships require give (and thankfully, take), but I think we have to show that we can give as the initial effort in friendship.  We can see this represented in some of the first talk of Jesus’ crew.

“And he went up on the mountain and called to him those whom he desired, and they came to him.  And he appointed twelve (whom he also named apostles) so that they might be with him and he might send them out to preach and have authority to cast out demons.  He appointed the twelve: Simon (to whom he gave the name Peter); James the son of Zebedee and John the brother of James (to whom he gave the name Boanerges, that is Sons of Thunder); Andrew, and Philip, and Bartholomew, and Matthew, and Thomas, and James the son of Alphas, and Thaddaeus, and Simon the Cananean, and Judas Iscariot, who betrayed him.” Mark 3:13-19 ESV

Once again, I love that these verses point out that these guys came to Jesus. There was effort and pursuit in the relationship. He called, they came.  I think it’s totally reasonable for us to expect our friends to be there for us.  Not always on a whim or at all times, but a big part of relationships is just showing up.  Another thing that just puts a smile on my face from this scripture is how we see a sense of jovialness in Jesus’ relationships.  I mean, if you’re throwing out nicknames like Sons of Thunder, I feel like you’re going to be a pretty fun loving guy.  While there’s a time and place for seriousness in relationships, there’s also a time and place for fun, and I love that we see Jesus revealing some of this.

And unfortunately that last sentence…we shouldn’t be shocked when our people betray us.  It doesn’t always make sense, and we may not understand why.  In fact, we may have done everything on the up and up and still someone just decides to betray us.  It happened to Jesus, and it’s going to happen to us.  We see it with Judas, and we also see it in Peter.  Judas chose a different solution to the betrayal than Peter did.  I love how we see Peter and Jesus’ relationship grow stronger in spite of the betrayal though.  It’s amazing how an apology and grace can heal a relationship.

While Jesus had 12 He poured into, of the 12, He really had 3 that He pulled close, that He completely revealed himself to.

“And after six days Jesus took with him Peter and James and John his brother, and led them up a high mountain by themselves.  And he was transfigured before them, and his face shone like the sun, and his clothes became white as light.” Matthew 17:1-2 ESV

I’ve wondered what it was about those 3 that set them apart.  Obviously with Jesus, I assume it was about the heart.  We also know that the three were some of the first to follow after Christ, so potentially it could be the amount of time spent and more history together, and the fact that they trusted him sooner than others.

Then there is the one.  The one that leans on Jesus during the last supper.  The one entrusted to care for Mary after Jesus’ death.  The first disciple to the tomb, and the first to believe in the resurrection.

Implicit trust, affection, and deep abiding love.

friendshipAs I’ve dwelled on some of these concepts we can apply to friendships from scripture, I’ve been thinking about who my people are.  My one is my husband. He’s my best friend, and he knows me better than anyone.  There’s not many people I’ve done life with longer.  I think my three is really two right now.  They are people I’ve known since high school.  They’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly, and they know who I really am.  And even better, they see who I’m becoming.

The 12, I feel like are a bit more fluid.  While my main three won’t change, I feel like the 12 will ebb and flow in different seasons.  I think the 12 or 3 often includes family as well.  My kids are in my 12, due simply to the amount of time I invest in the relationship.

As we “date” friends, I think it’s helpful to keep these circles and characteristics in mind.  We aren’t going to have all our people be our one person.  

Also, the circles aren’t meant to be exclusive. Jesus is pouring into this group because He knows that they are going to be sent out.  The goal isn’t monopolization of time, but an intentional pouring into and discipling so that they can in turn be that for others. Our friends are our place to get filled and be safe, so that we can pour out for others. We aren’t building clubs or exclusive cliques.

I love how we see Jesus dragging these guys to some pretty interesting places, like tax collectors homes, and into rooms of girls that had just died.  His friendship helped push them, it did not cushion them from the world.

It’s ok to expect time, intention in relationship, trust, love, and showing up, from people in our circles.  

As I continue to “date” (court?) new friendships in my life, I want to keep many of these characteristics in mind, for others and for myself.  I want to be the type of friend that I would want.  Showing that I can be depended on, and trusted.  Being there when you need your people. Celebrating life, and having fun, but also being able to talk about the big picture and the things that really matter.

God made us for community, and I’m so grateful He did.  I’m thankful that He didn’t just throw us out there to figure what relationships alone, but He led by example.  I hope I can love friends like Jesus did.