So parenting is hard.
If you’re a parent this isn’t some big news flash.
From the minute you have this small living thing put in your arms that you are responsible of keeping alive, it’s hard. It takes every ounce of your being, and sometimes more.
We’ve been walking through some challenges in parenting.
Maybe it’s the culmination of several different things going on at once that make the issues seem bigger than they are…but we’ve had some really hard months of parenting.
Like crying in the bathroom, at the end of your rope, out of ideas sort of hard places.
I know I’m not the only one that has been there, or is there.
Maybe you don’t remember what a full nights sleep looks like, or every mealtime is a battlefield. Maybe you are hiding in the bathroom reading this just to have a moments peace. Maybe every afternoon of homework is producing tears, or maybe you are on your knees every day for a child and the path they are choosing.
This parenting gig is not for the faint hearted.
In the midst of our tough season, I feel like there are some things that the Lord keeps pressing into my heart. Things I need to hear, and things that don’t necassarily come easily for me. Maybe I’m not the only one who needs to hear some of these things, so I thought I would share them with you.
1. Say Yes
I’m a no person. My default is no. I like structure and order, and I know what needs to be done and when it needs to be done. It’s a control/perfectionism thing I’m working through. I’m not very good at saying yes. Thankfully my husband is. He’s a rock star at the yes and totally the fun parent. Sometimes his yes comes more quickly than it should, so in some areas he has to slow down his yes. Sometimes he says no so I don’t have to, and sometimes he has an idea and lets me be the one to say yes. It’s a balance.
I think no comes easily for most of us, especially in our fast paced lives. I think no is an important thing our kids need to hear us say. But I also believe that when it’s our go to answer, it looses it’s power. I’d rather give choices and talk things out than have an immediate no as my response. I want to reserve no for the important things and the big issues.
We were getting ready for bed the other night and everyone had gathered in the room to pray before we said goodnight. It was already bedtime, and one of my kids asked to read one of their favorite Dr. Seuss books, that was thankfully one of the shorter ones. I wanted to say no. I was tired, and it had been a ridiculously long day. I still had a kitchen to clean up, and lunches to make. I had a ton of reasons to say no, but I said yes instead. This wasn’t an easy, natural occurrence, I literally sat there for thirty seconds mentally arguing it in my head before I answered. I want yes to be my default, and I’m desperately trying to retrain myself to help it be that.
2. Don’t Judge
I’ve been reading Donal Miller’s new book, Scary Close: Dropping the Act and Finding True Intimacy
In his chapter on parenting, as he is seeking wisdom from parents that seem to have healthy, loving relationships with their grown children, there is some advice he gets that really struck me:
“I decided I wouldn’t judge my kids. No matter what they told me, I wouldn’t judge them. I might have to discipline them, but I wouldn’t make them feel like lesser people for their mistakes. And because of that, they learned to trust me with their deepest thoughts.” -Mark Foreman
I want to parent in love and grace and not expect perfection for my kids, which I cannot obtain.
3. Speak into them what you see them becoming.
One of my favorite speakers (it really was more of an interview) at IF, and whose thoughts stuck with me the longest, was Bob Goff’s. I love him and his wife Maria. I would pay more money than I have to be able to have dinner with them and pick their brains about life, and love and faith. They love others so well, and have so much wisdom about how to do so.
As Bob was sharing about one of the things Maria does for him, he said “She tells me who she sees me becoming.”
I want to tell my kids who I see them becoming. Basically like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We gave each of our children their names for a reason. There were things about their names that we prayed would be representative of their lives. It’s funny how each of them have always had a natural bent towards some of what we prayed over them. My oldest Joshua was named after Joshua in the bible. We had a hunch he would have a gift for leadership, and goodness were we right. Kids just flock to him. He can get his siblings to do just about whatever he wants. We have continued to speak his gift of leadership over him throughout his life. You know though, sometimes he really stinks at leadership. Sometimes he uses it really wrong. But sometimes he gets it really right. I see him growing and continuing to become a great leader. Instead of pointing out all the areas where he’s lacking and how he needs to step up his game, I want to be better at telling him he IS a great leader, and how he’s really getting it right.
I don’t like being around people that are always pointing out my flaws and correcting me and telling me what I should be doing that I’m not. Especially when I feel like they haven’t encouraged me or cared much about my heart. I’m pretty certain my kids don’t like that either.
So even though it’s a tough season and I could easily critique and point out areas of improvement literally all day long, I’m trying to focus on speaking into them what I see them becoming. Smart, talented, capable, loving, gracious, kind people.
The other truth that’s been echoing in my heart, is that there is grace in the process. That one is mostly for mom. I feel like such a mess at this thing that I want to do so well. As I feel like I’m messing up over and over again I sense God speak into my heart that there is grace in the process and that He wants progress over perfection.
I’m not nailing this parenting thing. There are so many ways I could be doing better. But I’m trying. Just as there is grace for our kids, there is grace for us as we figure this out. One step forward. Even if we take several back, we keep pushing on.
Everyday I whisper to myself…