While talking with a friend, who is a new mom who works out of the home, she was sharing how she wants to give more to her child. She feels a pull, that if she could just stay home that the longing she has to be a better mother would be quenched.
While it may help, I cautioned her that even as a “stay at home” mom, I feel that same pull.
I think at the end of the day no matter if you are a work away from the home mom, work in the home mom (where you get paid), work in the home mom (where you don’t get paid, cause I think we can all agree there is no such thing as a “stay at home” mom), you feel like you’re not quite cutting it.
You can breast feed, make your own organic baby food, cloth diaper and homeschool and still feel like you’re not getting it right. You can also work away from the home, pump in your car every few hours (praying no one walks by), or throw down major wads of cash for the best can of formula, send your kid to the best school you can afford, walk through the door at 5:30pm and sit on the floor and play with your kids until bedtime, where you shell out extra snuggle time, and still feel as though you’re not giving your kids enough.
I’ve seen two things in just about every mother I’ve encountered:
1. We want to succeed at this job
2. We feel like we’re failing at it in someway
Despite the fact that I know I have two things in common with every good mom I come in contact with, so often I allow my definition of success at this job put a wedge between other mothers and I. One moms idea of success is diligently homeschooling her child, and another moms is sending them off to public school, or an expensive private school. None are wrong, and each are doing their version of right…for them.
Yet even in the midst of doing what is right for us, we look around and see moms doing something different than we are…their version of “right”…and it adds to that sense of feeling like we are somehow not quite hitting the mark.
What if instead of letting our lack of security in being a good mom separate us, we used it to help unite us?
What if when we walked into the new classroom and met that other mom, (who you observe made the super cute Pinterest inspired gift for the teacher, and you’re all “we were supposed to bring something?!”) instead of feeling intimidated, insecure and guarded, we mentally realize that there are ways she feels like she’s not getting it right, that she wants what’s best for her kids, and encourage her on the ways she’s succeeding?
Or what if at the new MOPS group play date, you’re listening to another mom gush about her cloth diapering and baby food making skills while you’re holding a baby jar and have your stash of brand name disposable diapers chock full of chlorine in the bag? Instead of starting to shut down and becoming reserved to the group (or even worse, busting out the claws and debating your stance), you realize that she’s not doing a better job of parenting than you….she’s just doing her version of parenting, and figuring it all out along the way. Plus the woman is willing to clean poop off of a diaper on a regular basis, give her some applause!
I think the reason there is so much divide between us moms is because we view different as a threat.
Motherhood is our job…even if we have another one. There are no written requirements for how to do it well, and with a press from all around to succeed at everything we do, we make up a set of rules. Our kids must be well mannered, great at sports, get all A’s, be kind to others, be respectful of other adults, we must be at every party, every game, make things off Pinterest, have dinner ready each night, buy organic, dress cute and be showered, have our home constantly clean and put together, laundry done….can anyone really keep up with this? We’ve created a modern day version of motherhood legalism.
We need to stop viewing other moms as competition or letting them add to our list of rules. If you suck at crafts, walk away from Pinterest! If you’re house is never clean, embrace it and stop feeling like a failure, because you’re not!
Some of us are going to be rock stars in some areas that others are terrible at, and the moms who feel like they are terrible in that area are going to dominate in others. We all have strengths and weaknesses…and can you imagine how much better at mothering we would be if we worked together instead of competing with one another? What if one mom who is having a crazy week and can’t even bust out boxed mac and cheese, had the mom who cooks drop by a meal? And if the PTA president can’t make it to her sons game, you cheered him on for her and took pictures of his big hit? What if the mom who dominates Pinterest made some extra crafts for her working mom friend who would love to make something like that but has been slammed at work and doesn’t even have time to pick up a gift card? When we work together and build one another up we are happier and more effective than when we compare and tear one another down.
If we stop looking at our differences and focus on what unites us (being a mom, loving our kids well, trying to provide the best that we can for them, feeling like we might be failing, etc) and encourage each other to succeed in this crazy job we’ve been given; how much better would we and our kids be for it?
It takes a village.
Love on and encourage another mom (or woman!) today. Lord knows we all need it!
By the way…this concept isn’t my own, it’s Jesus’ found in 1 Corinthians 12.
Amen sister-friend, I needed this right now, today. (And I might say, everyday). Love you girl! Wish we could have a chat over a cup of joe!
Gosh, I would love that! Preaching to myself as well! Hope y’all are doing well!