Patient in Affliction

If you’ve been following along, or are the least bit familiar with adoption, you know this journey has not been a cake walk.

In fact, there were some times that were absolutely heart wrenching.  So many times I have wanted to walk away from this process as it’s felt too hard.

As I look back, some of the hardest times were viewing files that weren’t meant to be ours.

We had two files (which are basically kids) that we looked at seriously that didn’t end up working out.

One in early January was a girl with a serious liver issue.  The file kind of got dropped in our laps, so we felt it was something we needed to look into more.  It was not a special need we had originally been open to, but we decided to prayerfully look into this asking God to open and close the right doors.  I researched a ton, and knew all about this little girl and her issue, even chatted with a nanny who had been in her orphanage.  Then we went to the doctor.  Our doctor basically told us that the liver issue was the least of our concerns, and that there were other special needs we were not open to present that had not been noted, not to mention our three kiddos would be threat to her since she would be immunocompromised.  Very clearly, a closed door.

Then there was this other girl…

We looked at her file in December.  Her file was with another agency, which we knew would mean transferring and loosing a lot of money.  But everything fit…heart condition, girl, age range, even around the city I kept being drawn to.  Not to mention she was adorable.  We were hooked pretty fast.  We emailed right away and although our initial email somehow got put in the agencies junk mail delaying our initial correspondence, we proceeded to deal with a string of emails and phone calls over the next few days.  We were ready to submit LOI (letter of intent) on this girl, and had just had a phone call figuring out how to proceed when we received the tough news through an email a few hours later that another family had beaten us to the punch and submitted LOI.  Boom, slammed door.

That one was tough.  I cried after that one.  A junk mail filter was literally the difference in us getting her.

But things happen for a reason.

I loved everyone I dealt with at that agency.  They asked if I was interested in other files, and I said yes, not really knowing what that meant.  Apparently unbeknownst to me, it meant signing me up for their newsletter where they advocated for kiddos who still needed families.

Fast forward a month or so to the end of January and after being done with the heartache of advocacy sites, and frustrated with our agency and their wait times, I got my first email from the other agency, a newsletter.  At which our daughter was front and center.  And a week later we submitted LOI.

That first file that I was so confused about not getting was the open door to our daughter.  God had a plan, and was redeeming the heartache.  I thought that was the end of the answers, and we were moving on with our new agency pursuing our girl.

Our new agency requires a 2 day training.  I personally think this is brilliant, as kids with a history of trauma (i.e. every internationally adopted child, or kid from foster care) need to be parented in different ways.  So we packed bags and headed to the Dallas area for our training at the end of February.  They have trainings once a month for most months, but the next two fell during baseball season, so we hustled to the soonest one right before baseball craziness.

We walked into the training not sure what to expect…there was about 30 other people there.  We were assigned to a table where name tags were placed at specific chairs…assigned seating.  Now lets be honest here, when you walk into a room with a bunch of new people you scan the scene, assess the situation and make assumptions.  You can tell who your people are probably going to be, and you can tell who might not be your people.  We did just that, and conveniently, the people who I thought would be our people, were seated right next to us. (there actually was a ton of amazing people at this conference, and we have been so lucky to be able to stay connected with a bunch of them through social media!!!)

My assumptions were right and we totally hit it off with this couple.  We talked through the breaks, and the meals.  She had organic snacks in her purse for crying out loud, she was my people. As the whirlwind of a trip was coming to a close, we got around to exchanging information to keep in touch.  We also realized we hadn’t even seen each others daughters, let alone gotten all the details about them.  So we caught up on our girls (both heart babies!), chatted about where they were (both in/around Shanghai…huh), and finally got around to showing off pictures.  I went first, and proudly showed off our soon to be daughter.  She appropriately oohed and aahed. Then my new friend pulled up a picture of her daughter and as soon as I saw it my eyes welled up with tears.  Their daughter…the people we had loved meeting and talking with, the ones we would stay in touch with, their daughter was THE file.  The one we wanted.  The one a junk mail filter made their girl theirs and our girl ours.

We *just so happened* to be at the same training as them.  And we *just so happened* to be seated right next to them.

I walked out of that training overwhelmed with gratitude.  It wasn’t enough for God to make sense of the heartache of the first file by using it to give us our girl.  He allowed us to connect with the parents of the girl we adored.   We are going to get to watch her come HOME.  We are going to get to watch her be welcomed by two incredible big sisters.  We are going to get to watch her be a part of a FAMILY.  And Lord willing, someday we can meet her too!

Through that moment I have seen with new eyes that the Savior of the world holds my heart so tenderly.  That He works all things out for GOOD.  That He is in the details and is making sense of the hard and tough and bad.  Sometimes it takes months, or years, even decades for us to get a glimpse of how He was in it.  But I promise you, even if you can’t see it or understand it…He IS there, and He IS working.

Yesterday I reread the story of Lazarus and was struck anew by this verse:

“Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus.  So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was.” John 11:5-6 (emphasis mine)

Jesus heard about people he loved who were in distress and dying, and he stayed where He was.  He didn’t come right then BECAUSE He loved them, and because He had a plan for good.

A few verses later:

“Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”  When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled….Jesus wept.” John 11:32- 33, 35

“Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone.  And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me.  I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.”  John 11: 40-42

Then He raised Lazarus from the dead.

Whatever you are walking through right now, God is in the midst of it.  If you are having a rough go of it, Jesus is staying where He is BECAUSE He loves you, not because He doesn’t.

He’s in the struggle.  And He is SO gracious with our hearts in the process.  When we are confused, and hurting and don’t understand.  When we are shaking our hands at the heavens in doubt and frustration and hurt.  When we have cried all the tears and can’t bring ourselves to face life.  He’s there.  He listens to our doubts and questions.  He weeps with us.

Then He goes about working all things for good, just as He has promised.

Be patient in the affliction.