What 2014 Taught Me

I always come off the holidays wanting just a bit more for them.  All the build up and anticipation with advent and celebrating that Christ HAS come and rejoicing in that…and yet.  Yet there is still pain for a lot of us.  The ache of loved ones lost, the ache of loneliness, or dreams deferred.  Jesus CAME, and yet, He WILL return.  And until he returns, all isn’t right.  There’s this juxtaposition of celebrating a coming and yet longing for THE coming.

Most people don’t seem to want to admit that with all the build up and all the hype of Christmas, they are left wanting, when it’s all said and done.  But it’s whispered with disappointment, and you can see it on the faces that rush to the mall trying to be fulfilled by what they really wanted, when what they really need is Jesus.

Between reflecting on the longing that should be, for heaven and for Jesus’ return, and contemplating on the New Year…there is a lot of thinking.

I’ve been going over what I thought God taught me most this year.  The two things that I feel I’m taking most from 2014 are:

Fear is a sign of life.

I had a lot of fear this year, and I’m not typically a fearful person.  Maybe the lack of fear is due to an abundance of pride, but it’s just not something I regularly think I struggle with.  This year I struggled.  We made some pretty big decisions and took some pretty big risks, and with that came, an at time, overwhelming fear.  As I struggled with fear, I thought back to other times I had dealt with fear.  When I first started dating my husband, when I went overseas, with the birth of each of my kids, starting a business…I saw that all the times I’ve struggled with fear are the times I put my heart on the line, and took big risks.  As I had faith to step out in obedience, fear tried to pull me down.  As I took big risks, fear tried to haunt me with the idea of failure.

Although battling fear is not a fun task, it’s also a sign of life.  It’s a sign that I’m living.  That I’m risking, and stepping into the unknown.  The feeling of fear reminds me that I’m living life on the edge, which is where I want to be with this one life I have.

Small is Big.

As a teenager, and on into my college years I dreamed about living a big life for God.  Most of my dreams involved a title, a position, or having a full time job in ministry.   I thought living a life for God would look big.  In my 30’s, I’ve now been able to do a lot of those things.  I’ve had titles, and positions, and had a full time job in ministry.  I’ve helped plan and pull off major fundraisers and outreaches. I’ve organized teams and cast vision.  For me, none of it felt very big though.  And it didn’t quite feel like the life I wanted to lay at the feet of Jesus when it was all said and done.

This year started with the obedience to write, and to live small.  To love well.  To be present where I was.  This life is the antithesis of big.  It’s hiding in my home to try to make words come in the few minutes I have to spare.  It’s laundry done, and the kitchen picked up while kids are gone so I can be engaged when they are home.  It’s pulling kids close, when all I do is want to lock myself in a closet. It’s soccer practices and being team mom and loving parents through emails.  It’s smiles and conversations as I grocery shop. It’s treats in to teachers with notes of how much they are appreciated.  It’s meals to friends in need, and obeying the Holy Spirit when he tells you to take cookies to someone.

Rarely does any of that get noticed, except by the recipient.  And yet these quiet, seemingly mundane things…they feel really big.

After one of these instances, the recipient told me that she had been praying for a hug from Jesus that day, and then I showed up on her doorstep.  A tangible hug from the Lord.  I haven’t been able to get that out of my head.  That’s exactly what I want to do with my life, as I go throughout my day, I want to be Jesus’ hug to others.  A tangible reminder that He is there, He is good, and He loves them.  Most days, I get to be that to my kids.  Loving them unconditionally.  Pointing them to Jesus as they make mistakes, and need forgiveness.  Apologizing when mom makes mistakes and showing how I need Jesus too.

Some days, being small really stinks.  I feel insignificant.  I feel like the 1950’s housewife who just cooks and cleans…the person I didn’t think I’d be.  That’s why I got the greek word for servant tattooed on my arm…so in those moments I would be reminded that it’s not about me, and I am here to serve.  Service ain’t pretty.  It doesn’t typically come with a title and attention.  It’s small and often unnoticed.  A lot like Jesus.

Sometimes the small feels small.  Then there are times where you get glimpses of just how big it is.  Like my sons praying these incredible prayers on Christmas, where I can tell they get the gospel and the importance of loving others… and I get this glimpse that the small every day and mundane things, are BIG. (they followed this up by fighting at the dinner table right after that…just to keep things in perspective)

It’s just like God to flip everything on it’s head, and in his economy, small=big.

I feel like over and over the Lord has been telling me that as we get really good with loving small, He makes way for loving big.  When we are so used to loving and serving small, that doing so a bit larger, and a bit larger doesn’t seem all that big.  And before we know it, we are doing these big crazy things that people seem surprised by, but all a long it’s just been loving small the whole way.  Taking the next small step and the next small step, and all of a sudden you look up and you’re walked this tightrope of love.

It’s like once you put on the rose colored glasses of love and compassion, you start to see what is right before you more clearly.  The clerk at the store who needs a hug and encouragement, that runner who looks like she could use a high-five (quite possibly my favorite thing I started on long runs this year), and that friend who needs some help getting through the day.  And once your vision adjusts to the near and immediate, you slowly start to see things at a distance better.  It might not matter that you don’t know that person, or haven’t heard of that country…you see a need, and you serve in the ways that you can.

Small is Big.

I’m grateful for the lessons that 2014 has taught me.  Can’t wait to see the lessons 2015 has in store!